colave33's Diaryland Diary

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Curious jealousy

Why is it so hard for me to be honest?

I can't seem to tell those around me anything about myself from a feelings or emotions perspective. I, like most people have been burned by others and friends and now I am very protective of the information that I pass along.

The sad truth is that I am ALONE. It is a fact that is probably not going to change for a long time. I have faced and accepted this, mostly anyway.
I am very much a thinking person, almost totally ruled by me head. So this ephiany was not hard to realize.

So why is it that I can spend time with friends, people who want me around and I enjoy being around, that I can still feel very alone and lonely. Why is it that I will not post these feelings anywhere that anyone can see them, because I don't want to answer the questions that may arise from them.

I have recently begun telling people that I am just waiting for Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. The fact that I am verbalizing this is amazing because the thinking part of my brain says that PC just doesn't exist.

The feeling, emotional part says that I am tired of being alone and feeling that way. I just want to be loved and needed and want to take care of some one and to be taken care of, regardless of what the thinking part says.

My job is an interesting part of this dichotomy. I love my job for many reasons. One of the most important aspects of my job is that it affords me human contact and most importantly I get to control this contact.

Awhile back I went out with one of my oldest and closest friends. We met another friend of hers that I had never met before. As she introduced me she explained that I was not a touchy/feely person.

My response to that was some shock. How long has she known me? How well does she actually know me? is a better question.

Now because I have almost no backbone, I did not argue this point inspite of how much it cut me to the quick.

12:06 AM - 13 September, 2008

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